In a recent Circle-up, Sister! session, the topic of jealousy came up. It’s something we all have to deal with. Boy likes Girl. Girl notices Boy liking Girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Boy likes another Girl. Girl #1 notices Boy liking Girl #2. Ouch.
Of course, this works both ways. Women are fully capable of indulging their wandering eyes, but there is a pervasive, culturally accepted elephant in the room that is men’s hunger for women and women’s dismay at having to hold a man’s attention in a world that provides so many opportunities for distraction.
There is something about the nature of masculine sexuality that is assertively…let’s say, observant. It’s been surmised that men have a heat-seeking sperm missile between their legs which is on a biological mission to propagate the species, and also that their arousal template tends to be visual in nature. Most of the men I know learned about sexuality through pornography (Playboy, videos, or internet, depending on their age). Symptom or cause, it speaks to how men view women’s bodies as objects of desire. When a man is attracted to a women at a bar, it’s not her soul is he is looking at, it’s her ass.
For women, it’s easy to feel that if our man is attracted to someone else, it means he is no longer attracted to us; that he has a limited amount of hunger, and if he is going to satiate it somewhere else, we will go hungry ourselves. And because for so many of us, sexuality and love are intertwined, what follows is the conclusion that attractive women are a threat to our source of love. And so the competition between women ensues. We begin to see our own worth as directly proportional to the ability of another women to attract a man; our man.
In the context of relationship, how do we shift from insecurity, fear, and a scarcity mindset around male sexuality to one of trust, empowerment, expansiveness, and abundance?
There are two parts to the answer:
TEND YOUR FEMININE FIRE
There is a fire that burns inside every woman. It’s the flame of passion, of desire. It’s the same energy that sparks life and sustains humanity. When a man is drawn to a woman, it is not just her ass that he is seeing. He is also sensing this powerful energy (check out my online course, The Big Libido: Find Your Feminine Fire, to learn more). We don’t own this energy; it is the universe moving through us. We are channels through which the sacred masculine and feminine do their dance. That’s not to say that we are merely puppets and our humanity doesn’t factor in. Of course it does, and it is part of our work as incarnate beings to navigate our humanity and negotiate the messiness of being human with divine purpose and growth. So in the context of sexuality and the sparkly and symbiotic relationship of masculine and feminine sexual energy, there is a larger story—that is not at all personal—that is playing out in tandem with our very specific story.
In order to thrive we need to feel safe. Nothing demonstrates this to us more effectively than relationship. Choose a man who is willing to make you feel safe. We accept the love we think we deserve. Safety and security in relationship is a two-way street, and can be cultivated and nurtured if both partner are willing to make it a priority. If you do your personal work and choose a partner who is willing to roll up his sleeves and be present and collaborative in the terms and structures of your partnership, you will have a much easier time identifying where your work is around this to begin with.
On one level, when a man is captivated with a woman other than ourselves, it is her shakti, her feminine fire. That energy lives in each of us. If he has chosen us as a partner, he is captivated by the shakti he senses it in us too. Monogamy is a decision. It’s a choice we make every day we are in an exclusive relationship. It doesn’t mean we shut down our sensitivity to the creative life force in others. It simply means we agree not to act on it. The best thing we can do to hold our partner’s attention is to cultivate and nurture our connection with our own sexuality—tend our feminine fire—keep it readily accessible so that we are an overflowing vessel of this captivating energy with which our partner can dance. If we begin to walk that path in spite of our insecurity, our confidence and self-esteem with flourish and our insecurity and jealousy will eventually fall away. Again, making a good choice in a partner who can play with you on this level with open-hearted generosity and commitment, is key to making a sustainable shift.
Disclaimer: The impetus for this post was a conversation between a group of heterosexual woman about they pain they feel around male sexuality. I am certain there are similar dynamics in LBGT+ relationships. We each embody a balance of masculine and feminine sexual energy, the distribution of which I imagine can be more fluid in same sex couples. Educate me in the comment section.